I used to think about myself that I am the strongest person alive, that I am a superhero, I can do it alone, all by myself, I can dig a grave, burry myself and get out without any scratches and why not, with a smile on my face 🙂

I used to think about myself that the way I feel is normal or ”It is a part of this life”, and that they all feel the same. Something was off, I used to see sad and angry people everyday, same faces, same habits and I didn’t like it.

I used to do the same things for the past years, a nasty routine, wake up, drink a cup of coffee, a cigarette, eat something, maybe a glass of water, put some make-up, go to work, come home, sleep, feel miserable again, but yey, a new day. New year, new me? No, it was more ”new day, same me”.

Be pretty. People are looking at you

In all this routine, I had to be pretty, right? You go out to buy some bread, people stare at you, but they don’t see you, the real one. Some are even talking to you, but only to reply back, they don’t want to hear you, nobody does, or at least they didn’t, they do now.

You smile, go back home again, wash off all that make-up and you stare in that old and dirty mirror at yourself, the smile is there, you don’t feel it, so you’re burying it again.

You have to clean up the house, you have to cook somenthing, but you can’t, so you go to bed, but you can’t watch a movie, you don’t really like any of them, you can’t sleep either, all those voices in your head are talking way to much.

It’s never quiet up there.

Live or survive?

So you see yourself, sitting in that bed, your body aches, you have dark circles under your eyes, you didn’t eat, remember? You could’t cook, the food in the fridge doesn’t look tasty, that old and dirty mirror is still dirty, you didn’t even see the sun today but you have to get up, you have to work, you have rent to pay, bills, such a wonderful circle of life, right?

And as you get up from your bed, you hear your voice in your head ”look at yourself”, you said as you grew up that you’ll do a lot of things, you’ll be great, you’ll travel, meet new people, that you’ll be rich, that you’ll be happy. So what are you doing? Nothing. And it’s not even your fault. You’ve been hurt, pretty badly, but sitting there and doing nothing it’s indeed your choice.

One time I promised someone that my face will be everywhere. But I forgot how great I am.

Live or die

It’s middle of the night, you just can’t do this anymore, you’re tired, hungry, you see the moon, the sun is missing. What are you doing now?

You can’t keep doing this all over again, I mean, look at you, imagine yourself being old and regretting all the things you could have done and you didn’t. Now you can’t because you’re old, then you didn’t.

Change it, you have to change yourself, do it now, today is the day. I look at me and I don’t like what I see, I’m beautiful, but I am ugly. I can’t feel a damn thing, it’s confusing.

Nobody cares. Pay the price

Wake up! Rise and shine sleepy heads. As I get up from the bed, early this time, I instinctivly open up the windows, I close my eyes to feel the sun. Something is different. I go to the bathroom and I clean that mirror because I can’t see myself clearly. I look at myself and I smile, it’s a stupid smile, but it’s not forced, it’s there, it’s a smile.

Oh, I have to go to the store because I am hungry. No make-up today, I don’t care. It’s hot outside, a lot of people, I don’t look at them and they don’t look at me because I can’t see them.

Such a beautiful day, right?

Someone’s calling, you don’t have to answer to that, if you don’t want to. You don’t have to do something, if you don’t want to. Say no, you will lose people? Definitely? Is it worthy? Hell yeah.

I want to go out with a friend. When’s the last time? You can’t remember. So it’s time to go out and leave that house.

You go out, you drink a glass of wine, you laugh, eat someting, crack a joke, you walk a little. Say sorry and go to the bathroom. Look at yourself, do you see that smile? You’re so beautiful, thank’s God you didn’t pick up that phone call.

This is who I was, then I lost myself, but now I remember, I didn’t go this far to lose it all again.

I can do it. I can do it. I will do it tomorrow too, the day after tomorrow and I can do it.

Happy era?

Looking back, definitely I didn’t deserve all that. But I deserve my fate, ”it’s easier to just like keep doing the same shit over and over again and then be surprised when like it’s still the same thing”. I was not that powerful, I needed a hand, a hug, so I asked for them.

Looking back, I realised now, that I had to destroy my old self, I was toxic for myself, destroy and rebuilt from scratch.

”I rebuilt myself from scratch

to have the life I have today,

The things that used to hurt me,

no longer have power.

I see sunsets, I feel the rain.

I cry now, for all the times I couldn’t”.

If you had lost the battle, you wouldn’t have met those beautiful people who appreciate you. You wouldn’t have laughed so much at bad jokes, you wouldn’t have decorated the Christmas tree, you would have missed a lot of good movies.

If you had lost the battle, the world would have been a sadder place without you. Someone is sure smiling when they see you, and if it doesn’t happen yet, I promise it will get better.

Your life starts everyday, it’s up to you what you’re doing with it.